I Can Breathe ...

Hi, I am back and feeling much better. I hate when my depression gets that bad. There were so many environmental factors happening at one time that it created a perfect storm scenario in my brain and made my depression take over. I know what caused my depression to get worse than normal, my birthday and the baggage that comes with it, hormones, got to love women problems, and this time of year it’s a combination that created a perfect storm in my head. (My husband would get a kick out of me using that reference, he loves that movie and I do not. How many times do you need to see a boat sink and men drown? I say once, especially when the men include George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg).

I was not upset about getting older. I like my thirties and this year is full of so many possibilities. Once Abigail starts school in August I can finally start creating art fulltime. I got pregnant with Noah when I was in college and for the past decade I have been a stay at home mom who gets to create a couple of hours a week and art has been more of a hobby than a business. I went from a student to a mom and never had that career time. I am really looking forward to having that, I want to see where I can push myself and that is exciting.

I was depressed because of the constant pink elephant in the room my parents. I was sick about the Birthday text messages I would receive from my mother and the fact that instead of calling my father would send a lame text message. My parent’s separation drama from each other and their family has been going on for almost four years. Nothing changes it’s like a never ending soap opera that I have decided to remove myself from for my mental health and for my families. I miss having my parent’s play an important part in my life but it’s not fair to put my family through that, they need to come first. So on my birthday when I received the text messages from my mother instead of deleting them and hiding I wrote her back and thanked her for the message. I felt better after I did and I realized I am much stronger than I think. I am disappointed in my father but what he did has become the norm and not a surprise.

The weather has been so beautiful so that has helped my depression and as of last night my hormones made peace with me so this morning I can breathe easier. I am so glad the storm is over!

Every Morning ...

Every morning for the past couple of weeks a group of black birds sit in the top of my neighbor’s tree. How do I know this because every morning I wake up and do the same thing, I make a cup of coffee, grab my computer and sit mindlessly checking my e-mail, blog, facebook, and visit Etsy. I walk away feeling the same, uninspired, depressed, irritable, and blah. Do you think the black birds feel the same?

I loathe this time of year. My depression gets 10 times worse, even my meds can’t put a dent in my blues. I feel so guilty for feeling this way there are so many people who are going through horrible things they have a reason to feel this way and I don’t. I miss being my bubbly self. I try to put up an act but I always feel ten times worse after I do, cheap and fake. I hate feeling negative, and acting negative, I turn into the people I hate being around. I really feel bad for people who live their life this way on a regular bases, I despise myself right now. I would love to crawl out of my skin, run away, and hide out until I start to feel better. I feel bad for my family, they have to deal with negative, sarcastic, ugly Heather.

I decided this morning I am going to shake up my routine for the next couple of days to see if it helps. I am putting away the computer, , I am not going to even check my activity on Etsy, my blog, or facebook and I am only going to check my mail once a day from my phone.

The things I normally love I am starting to hate and that is something that usually make me feel worse.

I will be back when I am the Heather I love. See you later black birds!

Life ...

Life has been full of many different twists and turns this year. Last month felt like two or three months instead of one. It was a month full of sorrow and sadness. Hope overshadowed by heartbreak. I watched my husband in pain and there was nothing I could do to help. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but remind the people you love how much you love them and be there when they need you.

Our family suffered a great loss but we are lucky enough to have endless memories of this special person. Every time I think of them I can’t help but smile to myself and chuckle a little. My husband is starting to heal. Some days are good and others a little harder.

Death really makes you think about life. How you treat others and what kind of person you are in life is what people remember about you when you are gone. It makes you want to live a good life so the people you love the most can remember you with love and happiness in their hearts not sadness and pain. Seeing death not only makes you want to live life to the fullest for yourself but for everyone you love.

2012 did not exactly start the way I had hoped. I woke up on the 4th and felt like someone sucked the life out of me and then ran me over. That same night Abigail began throwing up and for the next six days all I did was sleep. Not a very prosperous start to the New Year. You would think I could get some art created since I was lying around, nope that didn’t happen even my arms ached and were tired. This past Tuesday Abbey went back to school and when I came home from taking her I crawled into bed slept. Tuesday was the last day I took a nap!

Thankfully when I woke up Wednesday I felt so much better. I had gotten a water color set when I was sick and I was super excited to try it out. I have not created in water color since college and I really want to learn to work with this beautiful medium. The plan was to sit all afternoon and play when Abbey was at school that did not happen. Isabel decided to find a dead mouse in the backyard and roll in it. She thought she smelled pretty I did not, Yuk. So while Abbey was at school had to wash the pooch it was fabulous!

I woke up at 5 Thursday so I would have a chance to paint in peace. My kids have radar because by 6 it was can I have a snack, and bickering and the TV was on. Thursday was a whirlwind of taking Christmas decorations down, cleaning, laundry, playing with Abbey, home work, and dinner. Michael was out of town Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I hate when he is gone. I always tease him and say he doesn’t do much, but it is nice to have another grown up here to battle the children.

I woke early yesterday and did some more work on the owl family piece. This is the first water color I have done since collage. What do you think? I find it relaxing and calming to work in. I love acrylic and colored pencil because how bold they are, so I am trying to adapt the watercolor to fit my style. I would really love to hear some feedback, good or bad. I think that is the only way I will get better.

Along with playing with the water colors yesterday Michael and I finally went out to dinner for our anniversary, it was really nice. I can’t remember the last time we went to dinner together. I also took Abbey to see Beauty and The Beast in the theater. If you have a little girl or a little boy who likes Beauty and the Beast go see it! It was so good! I love that movie and it was so special to see it with Abigail.

Have a great weekend!

What I WANT To Do in 2012!!!!

Resolutions, goals, plans, whatever you call them I have a few of my own I am looking forward to doing in 2012.

CREATE, CREATE, AND CREATE! I want to create something every day. I want to push myself to explore with new mediums, materials, techniques, and subject matters. I want to have one of my pieces placed in a local gallery by the end of the year. I want to participate in art shows and apply to at least one juried show. I would love to take an art class. I want to add at least 3 new items to my Etsy shop every week. I want to create as much art as I can.

STAY POSITIVE! I want to stay positive and keep a positive outlook on life. Staying positive is a lot harder than being negative. It is easier to stay in bed and throw the covers up over your head but that is not how I want to live my life.

GET INVOLVED! Toward the end of 2011 I participated in my first parents meeting at Abbey’s school. I met a lot of wonderful ladies and it was nice to have my thoughts be heard. I would love to be involved with both of my children’s schools. I am going to try to make an effort to go to the parents meetings and volunteer my time.

And finally

DO THINGS FOR ME! I want to get my haircut more than twice a year! I want to start taking care of myself better. Get a facial every once in awhile, take time to exercise a couple times a week. Take time to go shopping, wonder around a flea market, and read a book. I would love to go kayaking, bike riding and hiking. Take myself out to lunch every once in a while. Just enjoy things for me without feeling guilty!

Thank You 2011 ...

Hi, I hope everyone had a beautiful Christmas! As usual it was a blur, but fantastic all the same. This is the first year I did not have time to send cards or make any handmade gifts, I feel really bad about that. My family is usually my Ginny Pigs for new ideas and I never had a chance to create anything for them.
One of the main reasons that did not happen is I have been busy creating pieces for customers and keeping up with my Etsy shop. I have been on Etsy for a little over two years and to say it was part time is an understatement. The first year and a half I really put in a half hearted effort, or you could say I had no confidence and was clueless. My pictures in the beginning were horrible, mainly because of the computer I was using and the limited picture editing software I had. I look back at some of those pictures and feel so grateful that the people who purchased those pieces looked past the poor picture quality. I also did not create as much or list new items as frequently. In the last couple months things began to change. I feel great, I have a little more confidence and I am not as afraid to put myself out there. Something happened in August because in the last five months I doubled my Etsy sales. Not only was I selling what I had listed in the shop but, I began to get commission work. I know my amount of sales are small compared to others but I am I true believer that slow and steady wins the race. Along with Etsy I put myself out there and participated in three shows. They were all learning experiences but instead of sitting on my hands I went out there and did it, now I know I can. I am looking forward to creating art in 2012, I have a lot of new ideas, I hope to participate in other shows, and as of September I will be creating full-time because my little princess will be starting kindergarten. I am looking forward to a busy year full of creating! I am excited to see where I can push myself to go and I can’t wait!
We were very blessed this past year. I am so proud of my husband, he is a smart, driven, hardworking man and it is really starting to payoff. We will be living together for 10 years in February and it has never been easy, not that life is supposed to be. We have road the financial rollercoaster, we have lived paycheck to paycheck, and we have had to play the which bill will we skip this month game. I have been lucky enough to stay home with the kids but it is not easy and not for the superficial person. New car, nope, fancy clothes, nope, big house not even close, but I would not trade the time I have gotten to spend with my kids for anything. We are finally getting off the financial rollercoaster and as exciting as it is it is just as scary. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop if we don’t have money to worry about what will be next? I know that sounds silly but when you are used to up and down semi smooth seems so uncertain. The one thing I have learned through it all and well actually in every area of my life is to, Just Keep Swimming. I know that sounds silly but it is something I say over and over again in my head when things get really tough and nothing seems to go right. If you keep going, keep pushing, keep moving forward it is going to get better, things are going to change. If you stay in the same place with your head down and building up a wall of excuses you are never going to move forward and you are never going to get anywhere. Looking back at my life I have spent so much time being depressed, negative, and down that if I just would of went for it and kept my head up and kept moving forward I would be so much further along. I always tell Noah it is the things you don’t do and don’t attempt in this life that you regret not the things you do try. There is always a chance you will fail and that happens often but failing is so much more satisfying than never trying at all.

Along with being proud of Michael I am so proud of both of my children. They are caring, loving, bright, and happy. They have the whole world in front of them and I just want them to go out and explore it. It is not easy being a parent and we always want to protect our kids from everything but letting them stumble and have to face challenges is just as important as making it easy for them. Noah has been begging us to let him play football. He is obsessed with it. He wants to go out and throw the football every day when he gets home from school, he is always talking about it and he keeps begging to play it. Every part of me is screaming NO! but I think it is something we are going to have to let him do. He is going to be a busy boy with school, cello, baseball, swimming, boy scouts, and football but I guess that is the best part of being a kid getting to go out and try anything you want and imaging you can be anything you want. How else would you know what you wanted to be unless you get to try? As for Abigail she will be starting kindergarten. I can’t believe my baby will be starting elementary school. She is such a bright star. She has so much joy and spunk in her eyes it makes you feel like anything is possible. Right now it looks like she will be going full day unless the school loses more funding but I think she is ready for it. I just want her to keep that fearless attitude because it will take her anywhere she wants to go.

If I have learned anything in my 32 years is that nothing comes easy, anything worth getting takes work and risk and the only way to get anywhere is to go for it. Above all of that it is important to stay positive. I know negative people think positive people are fools, I used to be one of those people, but you only get one chance at all of this. Is it worth being miserable? I don’t want to be 60 or 70 remembering how unhappy I was. I much rather be remembered as a giddy fool than a miserable bastard. I can’t wait to start 2012 and a new chapter in my life. I am so grateful for what I have and for what life has taught me.

Happy New Year!!!!!

A Little bit of This and That ...

I wanted to share some of my favorite photos from the last couple of weeks and chat a bit.
Abigail is enjoying pre-k, writing her name beautifully, playing soccer, and wants to be a cheerleader. I am horrified. She is too little to be a cheerleader this year but she insists that she is going to do it next year. She rode on her preschool's float at the homecoming parade and you should have seen her eyes when she saw all the little girls in their cheering outfits. I swear she is 4 going on 14. We had to have a talk this week about how she is not a baby anymore and if she wants to act like a big kid (in negative ways, talking back ect.) she is going to get disciplined like a big kid. She is something else. I was not a cheerleader, actually none of my friends were cheerleaders and now my daughter wants to be one. The really scary part is she would make a wonderful cheerleader. She is beautiful, outgoing, bubbly, and a tad snotty. It really scares me. What’s scarier than that is I would be a cheer leading mom. I don’t want to offend anyone but I don’t think I would fit in very well. Michael and I believe that our children should participate in whatever they want so if she wants to do it I will support it and suffer on the inside. Another crazy thing she did this week was flirt with a little boy at soccer. I just watched in horror. One minute she was this aggressive soccer player and the next she was giggling and tossing her hair. She is her father’s daughter and she is going to be the death of me.

Noah has been doing well in school too. He was selected to be a third grade tutor for first graders and kindergartners, I am really proud of him. Along with school and baseball and boy scouts he is going to start taking cello lessons. He really wanted to play the base but they don’t allow third graders to play it. I think it’s because the instrument is bigger than they are. I hope he enjoys playing an instrument I never played one. I can’t wait to see him practice at home. He should be getting his cello Thursday. I hope he enjoys playing it.

Saturday Michael and I had a date day. We have not had a day together in over a month and it was overdue. Sometimes when we don’t spend enough time together we end up banging heads and getting on each other’s nerves. I know it should be the opposite but that is how we work. Anyhow, we took a ride to Philly and went to the Italian market. It was fun, there was so much to look at and best of all the sun came out. It is always raining and cloudy, it is really annoying. I would have pictures of the sights but I was told not to look like a tourist so I kept my photo taking too shots out of the sunroof.

My obsession with fungus continues. I even have Abigail searching for mushrooms. I took a walk yesterday while I was waiting for my clothes at the laundry mat and I spotted some really beautiful mushrooms. I’m sure people thought I was odd standing around taking pictures of tree stumps, oh well.

My busy weekend was topped off with the season premier of Dexter. It’s such a good show and the newest villain seems to be extra crazy and scary so it looks like another fabulous season. Today I am going to throw up some Halloween decorations for Abigail because she is frustrated that we don’t have anything up and everyone else does. I can’t upset the future cheerleader or who knows what will happen. Along with spooking up the place I have a few art projects I am working on for an art show I might be doing on Saturday, I hope the sun shines because it would be fun to do another show.

Thank you for listening to me babble, have a great Monday!