Thursday, March 15, 2012

I Can Breathe ...

Hi, I am back and feeling much better. I hate when my depression gets that bad. There were so many environmental factors happening at one time that it created a perfect storm scenario in my brain and made my depression take over. I know what caused my depression to get worse than normal, my birthday and the baggage that comes with it, hormones, got to love women problems, and this time of year it’s a combination that created a perfect storm in my head. (My husband would get a kick out of me using that reference, he loves that movie and I do not. How many times do you need to see a boat sink and men drown? I say once, especially when the men include George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg).

I was not upset about getting older. I like my thirties and this year is full of so many possibilities. Once Abigail starts school in August I can finally start creating art fulltime. I got pregnant with Noah when I was in college and for the past decade I have been a stay at home mom who gets to create a couple of hours a week and art has been more of a hobby than a business. I went from a student to a mom and never had that career time. I am really looking forward to having that, I want to see where I can push myself and that is exciting.

I was depressed because of the constant pink elephant in the room my parents. I was sick about the Birthday text messages I would receive from my mother and the fact that instead of calling my father would send a lame text message. My parent’s separation drama from each other and their family has been going on for almost four years. Nothing changes it’s like a never ending soap opera that I have decided to remove myself from for my mental health and for my families. I miss having my parent’s play an important part in my life but it’s not fair to put my family through that, they need to come first. So on my birthday when I received the text messages from my mother instead of deleting them and hiding I wrote her back and thanked her for the message. I felt better after I did and I realized I am much stronger than I think. I am disappointed in my father but what he did has become the norm and not a surprise.

The weather has been so beautiful so that has helped my depression and as of last night my hormones made peace with me so this morning I can breathe easier. I am so glad the storm is over!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Every Morning ...

Every morning for the past couple of weeks a group of black birds sit in the top of my neighbor’s tree. How do I know this because every morning I wake up and do the same thing, I make a cup of coffee, grab my computer and sit mindlessly checking my e-mail, blog, facebook, and visit Etsy. I walk away feeling the same, uninspired, depressed, irritable, and blah. Do you think the black birds feel the same?

I loathe this time of year. My depression gets 10 times worse, even my meds can’t put a dent in my blues. I feel so guilty for feeling this way there are so many people who are going through horrible things they have a reason to feel this way and I don’t. I miss being my bubbly self. I try to put up an act but I always feel ten times worse after I do, cheap and fake. I hate feeling negative, and acting negative, I turn into the people I hate being around. I really feel bad for people who live their life this way on a regular bases, I despise myself right now. I would love to crawl out of my skin, run away, and hide out until I start to feel better. I feel bad for my family, they have to deal with negative, sarcastic, ugly Heather.

I decided this morning I am going to shake up my routine for the next couple of days to see if it helps. I am putting away the computer, , I am not going to even check my activity on Etsy, my blog, or facebook and I am only going to check my mail once a day from my phone.

The things I normally love I am starting to hate and that is something that usually make me feel worse.

I will be back when I am the Heather I love. See you later black birds!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Sun Came Out .....

The sun made a rare appearance yesterday afternoon so I could get a few shots of my, "Northern Saw Whet Owl" colored pencil drawing.

I listed him in my Etsy Shop this morning.

Have a beautiful Sunday.

Enjoy the SUNSHINE!

Friday, March 2, 2012

From Start to Finish in an Instant ...

I wanted to share the evolution of my latest Northern Saw Whet Owl drawing, in instagram. My materials included, a vintage encyclopedia cover (shown above), vintage tacks and a yellow book page from of course a vintage cook book. It has been so long since I worked with colored pencils I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I started creating.

Step 1, rip apart the encyclopedia and cut it to size. A great way to get some anger out!

Step 2, roughly outline the owl image in colored pencil.

Step 3, start coloring, my favorite part!

Step 4, spray the drawing with a protective varnish, my least favorite part, yuck!

Step 5, cut, measure, glue, and decorate the yellow paper. Glue the image on top and add the tacks.

Step 6, color the largest book cover with pastels, colored pencil, acrylic paint, and once again go outside and spray with protective varnish.

Step 7 put it all together!

Step 8, take some fabulous photos. That unfortunately did not happen I was missing one important material the sun. Hopefully I will get this cute owl in my shop once the sun decides to make an appearance.