Thank You 2011 ...

Hi, I hope everyone had a beautiful Christmas! As usual it was a blur, but fantastic all the same. This is the first year I did not have time to send cards or make any handmade gifts, I feel really bad about that. My family is usually my Ginny Pigs for new ideas and I never had a chance to create anything for them.
One of the main reasons that did not happen is I have been busy creating pieces for customers and keeping up with my Etsy shop. I have been on Etsy for a little over two years and to say it was part time is an understatement. The first year and a half I really put in a half hearted effort, or you could say I had no confidence and was clueless. My pictures in the beginning were horrible, mainly because of the computer I was using and the limited picture editing software I had. I look back at some of those pictures and feel so grateful that the people who purchased those pieces looked past the poor picture quality. I also did not create as much or list new items as frequently. In the last couple months things began to change. I feel great, I have a little more confidence and I am not as afraid to put myself out there. Something happened in August because in the last five months I doubled my Etsy sales. Not only was I selling what I had listed in the shop but, I began to get commission work. I know my amount of sales are small compared to others but I am I true believer that slow and steady wins the race. Along with Etsy I put myself out there and participated in three shows. They were all learning experiences but instead of sitting on my hands I went out there and did it, now I know I can. I am looking forward to creating art in 2012, I have a lot of new ideas, I hope to participate in other shows, and as of September I will be creating full-time because my little princess will be starting kindergarten. I am looking forward to a busy year full of creating! I am excited to see where I can push myself to go and I can’t wait!
We were very blessed this past year. I am so proud of my husband, he is a smart, driven, hardworking man and it is really starting to payoff. We will be living together for 10 years in February and it has never been easy, not that life is supposed to be. We have road the financial rollercoaster, we have lived paycheck to paycheck, and we have had to play the which bill will we skip this month game. I have been lucky enough to stay home with the kids but it is not easy and not for the superficial person. New car, nope, fancy clothes, nope, big house not even close, but I would not trade the time I have gotten to spend with my kids for anything. We are finally getting off the financial rollercoaster and as exciting as it is it is just as scary. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop if we don’t have money to worry about what will be next? I know that sounds silly but when you are used to up and down semi smooth seems so uncertain. The one thing I have learned through it all and well actually in every area of my life is to, Just Keep Swimming. I know that sounds silly but it is something I say over and over again in my head when things get really tough and nothing seems to go right. If you keep going, keep pushing, keep moving forward it is going to get better, things are going to change. If you stay in the same place with your head down and building up a wall of excuses you are never going to move forward and you are never going to get anywhere. Looking back at my life I have spent so much time being depressed, negative, and down that if I just would of went for it and kept my head up and kept moving forward I would be so much further along. I always tell Noah it is the things you don’t do and don’t attempt in this life that you regret not the things you do try. There is always a chance you will fail and that happens often but failing is so much more satisfying than never trying at all.

Along with being proud of Michael I am so proud of both of my children. They are caring, loving, bright, and happy. They have the whole world in front of them and I just want them to go out and explore it. It is not easy being a parent and we always want to protect our kids from everything but letting them stumble and have to face challenges is just as important as making it easy for them. Noah has been begging us to let him play football. He is obsessed with it. He wants to go out and throw the football every day when he gets home from school, he is always talking about it and he keeps begging to play it. Every part of me is screaming NO! but I think it is something we are going to have to let him do. He is going to be a busy boy with school, cello, baseball, swimming, boy scouts, and football but I guess that is the best part of being a kid getting to go out and try anything you want and imaging you can be anything you want. How else would you know what you wanted to be unless you get to try? As for Abigail she will be starting kindergarten. I can’t believe my baby will be starting elementary school. She is such a bright star. She has so much joy and spunk in her eyes it makes you feel like anything is possible. Right now it looks like she will be going full day unless the school loses more funding but I think she is ready for it. I just want her to keep that fearless attitude because it will take her anywhere she wants to go.

If I have learned anything in my 32 years is that nothing comes easy, anything worth getting takes work and risk and the only way to get anywhere is to go for it. Above all of that it is important to stay positive. I know negative people think positive people are fools, I used to be one of those people, but you only get one chance at all of this. Is it worth being miserable? I don’t want to be 60 or 70 remembering how unhappy I was. I much rather be remembered as a giddy fool than a miserable bastard. I can’t wait to start 2012 and a new chapter in my life. I am so grateful for what I have and for what life has taught me.

Happy New Year!!!!!

Fun at Knoebels and a Sneak Peek at a New Collage …

Yesterday the kids and I joined some family and friends for a fun day at Knoebels Amusement Park. Knoebels is a cute little amusement park in Pennsylvania; it’s the largest free admittance amusement park in the United States. It has a couple roller coaster, a log flume and a lot of other fun family and kiddy rides. It’s an adorable park and a great way to spend a summer day.

Noah is now tall enough to get on all of the rides and he took advantage of that fact. We went on the wooden roller coasters together; I think I embarrassed him I have a tendency to scream a little loud!

Abbey was completely fearless. I think she would have gone on everything if she wasn’t so short. They have a kiddy roller coaster and she had a blast on it. She is an adventurous little girl!

One of my favorite rides was the log flume. The three of went on together, it was a blast and luckily we didn’t get to wet.

I also wanted to share a peek at a new collage I have almost complete. I am hoping to get all of the parts sewn into place today so I can finish it and get it into my shop. The entire collage was created with recycled materials including, vintage book pages, recycled cardboard, a fabulous vintage frame, and thread. I also tried a new technique with dying paper that I have fallen in love with. I hope to share the finished product tomorrow.

Have fun today!

Torn ...

Have you ever been smack in the middle of a situation and your heart is torn in two different directions? No matter what decision you make you are going to feel bad and let someone down. No matter how hard you try you are not going to make everything work and you are going to end up disappointing somebody. I always want to do the right thing and sometimes it just is not possible. My family is the most important thing to me. My children should come first but there have been a few occasions in the last several months where I have put their feelings second and someone else’s feelings first. I explained to my son sometimes we need to make sacrifices for people that we care about and he understood the best way an eight year old could. I think it is important to teach my children compassion and patience. There are so many rude, self-centered people out there and I think it’s important to teach them to look at other people’s feelings first. I don’t want them to become doormats but I do want them to understand that it’s important to care about other people not only themselves.

I know that the choice my husband and I made was the right one for our family. I just feel terrible that I let someone down that I really care about. Sometimes I wish life was black and white and not so damn grey!

Sad ...

I remember a time when I was close to my family. I always thought I would be close to my parents. I had a wonderful childhood. I had two understanding parents who loved me, my sister and one another. I thought my father hung the moon and stars and although my mother and I would have our battles I always new she would be there for me.

It’s nothing like that anymore. I saw my parents for the first time today at my uncle’s memorial. I hadn’t seen my mother in eight months and my father in seven months. In the last two years I have seen my mother three times. She has not seen my beautiful children in almost two years. Abbey has no idea who she is and the grandson who saw her at least once a week has not gotten to share the wonderful young man he has become with her. My father vanished from our lives seven months ago. He was full of empty promises and lies, he broke my heart.

I don’t know what happened to them, they went from honest, moral, loving people to people I no longer recognize. I have often thought if the people who raised me could see who they would become what would they say. How would they feel if they could see how they would eventually treat each other, their children, and their grandchildren.

I went to the memorial today to support my cousins. I can’t imagine the pain the three of them are dealing with loosing their father. He will never be there to walk his daughter down the isle, hold his grandchildren, or grow old. My parents have that. They have children and grandchildren who would love to be in their lives and they are not there. They threw us away and I don’t know why. I will never understand why we were not good enough.

I talked briefly to my parents, nothing meaningful, idle chit chat. My father said this makes you think, he mentioned fixing things, changing things. He has been saying this for months. It is so easy to say something, the hard part is actually doing it. A part of me is hopeful that we will find a way to have a relationship. Another part of me is hurt and confused, I just don’t understand why? How do four people who loved each other so much hurt each other so much.

There are times I have felt like a lost little girl. A little girl who someone forgot about walked away from. The turmoil with my family has taken its toll on my marriage, my family, my life. Every time they hurt me it touched every part of my life. I had to walk away my husband and children deserved a wife and a mother who wasn’t sad all the time. My children deserve the happy childhood I had.

I miss my parents everyday. I am willing to try to make things better. It just saddens me to know things will never be as they were. Will I ever trust them again? Will I ever feel loved? I guess only time will tell.