Saturday, March 6, 2010

Sad ...

I remember a time when I was close to my family. I always thought I would be close to my parents. I had a wonderful childhood. I had two understanding parents who loved me, my sister and one another. I thought my father hung the moon and stars and although my mother and I would have our battles I always new she would be there for me.

It’s nothing like that anymore. I saw my parents for the first time today at my uncle’s memorial. I hadn’t seen my mother in eight months and my father in seven months. In the last two years I have seen my mother three times. She has not seen my beautiful children in almost two years. Abbey has no idea who she is and the grandson who saw her at least once a week has not gotten to share the wonderful young man he has become with her. My father vanished from our lives seven months ago. He was full of empty promises and lies, he broke my heart.

I don’t know what happened to them, they went from honest, moral, loving people to people I no longer recognize. I have often thought if the people who raised me could see who they would become what would they say. How would they feel if they could see how they would eventually treat each other, their children, and their grandchildren.

I went to the memorial today to support my cousins. I can’t imagine the pain the three of them are dealing with loosing their father. He will never be there to walk his daughter down the isle, hold his grandchildren, or grow old. My parents have that. They have children and grandchildren who would love to be in their lives and they are not there. They threw us away and I don’t know why. I will never understand why we were not good enough.

I talked briefly to my parents, nothing meaningful, idle chit chat. My father said this makes you think, he mentioned fixing things, changing things. He has been saying this for months. It is so easy to say something, the hard part is actually doing it. A part of me is hopeful that we will find a way to have a relationship. Another part of me is hurt and confused, I just don’t understand why? How do four people who loved each other so much hurt each other so much.

There are times I have felt like a lost little girl. A little girl who someone forgot about walked away from. The turmoil with my family has taken its toll on my marriage, my family, my life. Every time they hurt me it touched every part of my life. I had to walk away my husband and children deserved a wife and a mother who wasn’t sad all the time. My children deserve the happy childhood I had.

I miss my parents everyday. I am willing to try to make things better. It just saddens me to know things will never be as they were. Will I ever trust them again? Will I ever feel loved? I guess only time will tell.


  1. I'm so sorry your going through this... I would give you a big hug if I were there.

  2. Heather, sometimes we may not have the answers to things at the moment. Ask for God's guidance and strength to see you through. Someday you may understand or learn what happened.

  3. (((((((((((Heather))))))))))) I have a similar painful relationship with my own father.

  4. Hi I am stopping by from the Friday Follow. I know its Sunday hope I will still count. I am sorry for your pain. I pray that you will find peace.

  5. Heather, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through...but everything will be ok... My relationship with my parents are not that great either...

    take care.

  6. What a touching post especially since I can totally relate to all of the feelings you are experiencing. It's so odd when family decides to shut you out for no apparent reason. I'm really glad I came across your blog. I found you through the "Friday Follow" blog hop.
    I hope you have a peaceful and relaxing evening. <3

  7. I am sorry for your sadness.Don't let them get the best of you.That belongs to your family(children).


I love reading your comments. I like knowing that I am talking to someone other than myself for a change.