Every morning for the past couple of weeks a group of black birds sit in the top of my neighbor’s tree. How do I know this because every morning I wake up and do the same thing, I make a cup of coffee, grab my computer and sit mindlessly checking my e-mail, blog, facebook, and visit Etsy. I walk away feeling the same, uninspired, depressed, irritable, and blah. Do you think the black birds feel the same?
I loathe this time of year. My depression gets 10 times worse, even my meds can’t put a dent in my blues. I feel so guilty for feeling this way there are so many people who are going through horrible things they have a reason to feel this way and I don’t. I miss being my bubbly self. I try to put up an act but I always feel ten times worse after I do, cheap and fake. I hate feeling negative, and acting negative, I turn into the people I hate being around. I really feel bad for people who live their life this way on a regular bases, I despise myself right now. I would love to crawl out of my skin, run away, and hide out until I start to feel better. I feel bad for my family, they have to deal with negative, sarcastic, ugly Heather.
I decided this morning I am going to shake up my routine for the next couple of days to see if it helps. I am putting away the computer, , I am not going to even check my activity on Etsy, my blog, or facebook and I am only going to check my mail once a day from my phone.
The things I normally love I am starting to hate and that is something that usually make me feel worse.
I will be back when I am the Heather I love. See you later black birds!
I've found that avoiding the computer is a good thing. I don't blog nearly as much as I did, because it starts to feel like a job, and it gets depressing when you feel you're talking to yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt's OK to accept your sad side. Knowing it is just one tiny part of you helps sometimes. I know when it gets dark that comment would sound trite, but it's the little things that will pull you through. Don't hate who you are - ANY part of you. I used to wonder why this had to happen to me .. and then my kids, but you know what; if it hadn't happened to me I couldn't help my kids, or understand them like I do. Sometimes we "have" things because life is unfolding as it should. I've no doubt that your happy side pulls you through, and maybe at some point you'll be able to look at your depression and use it to help someone else. Beat it at its own game -kinda thinking.
I understand where your mind goes. Believe me - it's been my dark shadow for many years. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone out there. Don't be afraid to reach out when it gets too dark. Those are the times we need other people the most.
::hugs::