Sad ...

I remember a time when I was close to my family. I always thought I would be close to my parents. I had a wonderful childhood. I had two understanding parents who loved me, my sister and one another. I thought my father hung the moon and stars and although my mother and I would have our battles I always new she would be there for me.

It’s nothing like that anymore. I saw my parents for the first time today at my uncle’s memorial. I hadn’t seen my mother in eight months and my father in seven months. In the last two years I have seen my mother three times. She has not seen my beautiful children in almost two years. Abbey has no idea who she is and the grandson who saw her at least once a week has not gotten to share the wonderful young man he has become with her. My father vanished from our lives seven months ago. He was full of empty promises and lies, he broke my heart.

I don’t know what happened to them, they went from honest, moral, loving people to people I no longer recognize. I have often thought if the people who raised me could see who they would become what would they say. How would they feel if they could see how they would eventually treat each other, their children, and their grandchildren.

I went to the memorial today to support my cousins. I can’t imagine the pain the three of them are dealing with loosing their father. He will never be there to walk his daughter down the isle, hold his grandchildren, or grow old. My parents have that. They have children and grandchildren who would love to be in their lives and they are not there. They threw us away and I don’t know why. I will never understand why we were not good enough.

I talked briefly to my parents, nothing meaningful, idle chit chat. My father said this makes you think, he mentioned fixing things, changing things. He has been saying this for months. It is so easy to say something, the hard part is actually doing it. A part of me is hopeful that we will find a way to have a relationship. Another part of me is hurt and confused, I just don’t understand why? How do four people who loved each other so much hurt each other so much.

There are times I have felt like a lost little girl. A little girl who someone forgot about walked away from. The turmoil with my family has taken its toll on my marriage, my family, my life. Every time they hurt me it touched every part of my life. I had to walk away my husband and children deserved a wife and a mother who wasn’t sad all the time. My children deserve the happy childhood I had.

I miss my parents everyday. I am willing to try to make things better. It just saddens me to know things will never be as they were. Will I ever trust them again? Will I ever feel loved? I guess only time will tell.