My Inner Struggle …

I have been in such a slump the last couple of weeks. I hate it, it’s driving me nuts! It is so frustrating being so down and having no reason to feel this way. When I become this depressed my self worth and image plummets. The only people I have enough drive to stay up for are my children; I don’t want them to know I am feeling so bad. I usually turn off the rest of the world, go through the motions and become an actress putting on a performance from the time my little monkeys wake up until they go to bed. I try to push through and ignore how I am feeling. I know that if I keep going I will wake up one morning and feel so much better, it just seems this spat is taking forever to break.
When I was younger I used to feel sorry for myself, I felt it was unfair that I felt so bad, now I get mad at myself for feeling this way. I have a beautiful life; the chemicals in my brain just won’t cooperate. There are so many people who struggle everyday with challenges that make mine look pathetic in comparison, I am ashamed that I feel this bad.
About ten years ago I was diagnosed bipolar; I was placed on many types of medications and went to therapy on a regular basis. I hated the medications, but loved therapy. I used to dwell on my problem now I ignore it. I have learned to recognize signs and try to push through the bad days. I am very lucky I haven’t had many problems the last four years, but at least once or twice a year my depression disrupts my life. The worst part of depression for me is feeling worthless and over critical of myself. That is never good especially when you are putting your heart and soul out for the entire world to see, I second guess everything and creatively I become a skeptic, I feel like anything and everything I do is not good enough.
One of the most important things I have learned about depression is don’t try to battle it alone, tell someone how you feel, don’t be ashamed and get help. I am lucky; my husband is aware and supportive of me when I feel low. It can be scary if you try to go through it alone. I still try to hide how I am feeling from my husband, but once I share how bad I feel it makes everything seem a little less hopeless.
Today I feel a little better, the sun is shining, I have a few projects I want to start, and sharing how I feel has actually made me feel better. Thank you for listening.